You may know that in the past two weeks I’ve had two deaths in my family: an uncle and my grandma. I appreciate everyone who has reached out–and if you haven’t please don’t feel any way about that. Death is hard. Loss is hard. When I started this site, and decided to do an editorial segment on Sundays, my goal was never to get too personal. I was hopeful that we could build a form of community together, but although my pursuits have always been public (acting, etc), I am at heart a private person. I hate being checked in places. I fear opening up too soon or letting my guard down too much–being as a friend calls it “emotionally slutty”. But what I’ve learned is that it’s impossible not to get personal–and that if I hold things in for too long I end up unloading on some unsuspecting stranger. And I’m hoping that my being vulnerable is a way for us all to be vulnerable with each other–because we all know loss, we all know pain, we are all acutely aware of our flaws. These things can only mean that we need each other.
Let’s be honest: loss sucks. You can’t control it, you don’t dictate it’s terms, and you don’t chose what you’re willing to lose. Loss simply takes. It’s hard. My grandma lived a full and happy life; she was 97 and ill and ready to go—and yet it’s still hard to have that hole, even while holding the thought that she’s in a better place. My uncle was ill as well–and is now at peace, and yet the hurt that the peace is bought with can leave you wailing. We don’t get to chose when we lose people. I can tell you platitudes about how we should be grateful for any time at all with loved ones, and we should. Not all loss is death and that doesn’t minimize the pain, it shouldn’t. Loss is hard to talk about because none of us has answers. So here’s a list of things I know to be true about loss:
- We all grieve differently, there’s no right or wrong way to do it. And the appearance of grief is not a comment on the feeling
- Grieve comes in waves and the only thing you can do is ride them out
- We all lose things:people, dreams, things. One loss is not bigger than another.
- Loss is one of the hardest things I know of to talk about. It can feel too raw. It can be hard to comfort someone–or even know what to say
- We need each other through loss. The most powerful thing is the knowledge that people care-it helps.
- We heal. Often it’s around the wound, like a tree grows around concrete. There are losses that forever leave a tender spot, but we go on.
I’ve been dealing with my loss by trying to be kind to myself. There’s been some shopping, tea, and red wine. There’s been time around family and time alone. Many books, movies, some tears. I’m so grateful for all of you–for this blog has helped as well.
Wishing us all a loss-free week and amazing shoes! XO RA
