It’s my monthly dating horror stories, my attempt at being Carrie Bradshaw, and hopefully a bit of cathartic release for us all. If you’re in the mood to really suffer I recommend My ex’s Friend, Dumped Before an Event, and The One Who Asked For His Money Back. You can also search Ex Files in the search bar. A friend of mine let me know that he spent a day reading all of these back to back- and that it was funny and horrifying! Of course, all names have been changed to protect the innocent and the not-so-innocent. Be careful out there!
Xo RA
While the above is true, this month’s ex files is a bit different, with a slightly off focus. We (us, society, media, literature, whoever) usually talk about love in the romantic sense. And romantic love is amazing and fulfilling- and makes for great stories. But it’s not the only kind of love out there. Nor is romantic love the only kind of love we should be prioritizing. I often think of a scene in Sex and the City (the original series) where Carrie is heartbroken again and the ladies are at a diner and Charolette says : “Maybe we could be each other’s soul mates. Then men are just things to have fun with”.
I love the spirit of what Charolette said. Because I think that often our platonic or family love stories get pushed aside so easily for romantic love- when so often our friends can be soulmates (the platonic kind) and our relationships with our friends are incredibly intimate and vulnerable. There is a part of me that would like to hope that our friends are what gets us through. Alas, I’ve also gone through some friend breakups.
This is where I clarify: I don’t mean friend breakups to be the kind where you grew apart or your schedules no longer mesh or you’re in different cycles. I have friends that I’m apart from but we can pick up. Friends that I don’t chat with regularly but if they needed me I’d be on a plane. Friends if I called – even if it’s been years- would be on a plane for me. The kind that reach out and care no matter what. With life, sometimes we don’t get to be with our friends as much as we want/ need. That’s not what we’re chatting about.
This about those friendships who ended (often without a “breakup” which may be part of the issue) and we’re hurt and sad and don’t have a societal language for the break up.
And here’s the thing friend breakups are often more heartbreaking than romantic breakups. I will share bad dates and breakups with you. I can’t write about my 2 most hurtful and life changing friend breakups as it’s too painful. Is it because friend breakups are often not “official”? There’s no “chat” aka ” I want kids and you don’t” or “My job needs me here and you don’t want to move”. Friendship breakups can be more painful and personal- feeling as if the person you trusted your secrets to just couldn’t stand you. Every time (there’s not been a lot!) with a friendship breakup I’ve been left wondering if I was just a horrid person; and at least with a romantic breakup there’s a clean line.
Often friend ship breakups are messy (I’ve read some articles that I can’t bear to link and read some texts and yet I still am grateful my friend breakups are not overt- I couldn’t bear to have someone I trusted lay my issues raw) – there’s no division of property. In a romantic breakup, your friends take your side. In a friend break up? They may not. Your other friends may still be friends with your now “ex”- and it’s much worse navigating social things with an ex friend. Especially when people you’re still close to are close to them.
Don’t worry about me. There’s no friend break up that’s recent or looming ( I hope!). There have just been things that have me thinking. We really are given no guidance to friend breakups – so how do we do them? how do we manage them?
If you have insight, I’m open!
In the meantime, I’m hoping you and your besties are chatting and happy! xo RA
