It’s Father’s Day! My dad is an engineer but has never questioned or withheld his support from his daughter who only ever wanted to dance, act, and be in fashion. He’s also the man who taught me to love football–which is a huge part of my life. I wouldn’t be where I am without him. I hope the fathers in your life are as supportive of you!
On the other hand, relationships with our parents, and parent figures can be tough. I hope if this is a hard day for you that you’re spending the day in a way that feels right to you.
Wishing us all a week of love and amazing shoes! xo RA
In light of all the world events, protests, revolutions, and my wanting to be a better ally I’ve been thinking a lot about my voice. And how to best use it. The thing is: I’m not always comfortable speaking up or taking up space. I was raised to be “nice” and not “make trouble” and “please everyone”. But the fact is none of those things are really possible. Some trouble is good. I (and you) deserve to be heard. And nice isn’t always the best policy. So. I’m working on it. And while my thoughts here are from a few years ago, reflecting on how I can take up space this week helped me. Hope it helps you! XO RA
Sometimes topics come and hit you over the head, forcing you to pay attention to them. This week I was minding my own business, cruising the internet, when out of no where this article and this article kept popping up, on repeat. A sign? Maybe, maybe not; but when articles appear, I read them.
A note–I am one of those who have a hard time asking for the space I need (unless we are driving an then just try to sway into my lane–you have a horn coming). I believe in courtesy, compassion, and sharing-but a long line of waiting for others to recognize that I may need leg room/arm room/a seat has taught me that you have to take your space–others won’t give it to you. And yes, there are societal and gender issues at play; there are different types of space and different issues that surround each of them. I could write about them all but want you to not be reading till Monday! So, for today, let’s talk physical space–we can deal with other issues another day.
So space. We all need it– be it on a subway, an arm rest, on an airplane. So why do some of us have such a hard time asking for it? There are those who don’t–and yes, as a member of the former group I can be in awe, envy, and sometimes hate those who seem to take up all the space they need (and sometimes more) without a thought or care. Are those people inherently bad or selfish? I like to think not (yes, I could write about those who probably are). Some people just naturally take up space. I, personally, don’t–and it’s not that I don’t need it. I’m tall, I like to spread out as much as the next person, and know I deserve the sidewalk or public space as much as the next person. And it’s not that I don’t take space–it’s just that if others are taking up space (manspreaders, etc) or if the space is in debate (shared armrests), I tend to defer-not ask for space, let the other person have it.
So why? If I know I have a right to the space, why do I, and others like me, have a hard time asking for it? Maybe we expect people to notice what we need and give it to us–which has never worked for me. Maybe it’s years of training to be nice and not demand things–I’m a Southern woman, I know this. Maybe it’s a combination, maybe other issues come into play. I don’t know.
I do know that I believe every single one of us deserves to take up all the space we need. And if people aren’t going to give it to us, we’re going to have to take it. Is this hard for me? Yes, but the good news is we can do hard things. So this week I’ve gone out of my way to take up the space I need. A guy at the movies had his legs spread wide, I willed myself to say “Excuse me” (not “I’m sorry”, another issue), and even though I had to say it twice, he moved. At the gym I stood my ground and held my space at the mirror while getting ready. Moon-landing accomplishments? No. But a start. This doesn’t mean my voice doesn’t shake sometimes, or I find it easy; but if other people are asking for the space they deserve, why shouldn’t I?
Here’s the secret guys, there is enough space for all of us. And if you aren’t getting what you need, you are going to have to ask for it. I’d love to know–is this something you struggle with? How do you deal with it?
Wishing us all a week of space and amazing shoes! XO RA
This was originally posted about a few years ago. I began thinking about this very topic this week when I looked down and realized that some of these very same scars were barely visible. Some are still there, very bright. And I’ve added some new scars. It got me thinking about healing, about moving on, about how we live with our scars. In the past year I’ve healed. I’ve gotten hurt. I’ve learned. And when I’ve need them, the people in my life have been there for me. As I think about my scars, and re-read this, I can’t help but think that maybe living with our scars isn’t a bad thing.
Originial Post:
Loves, as you may know, this year has been a doozy when it comes to loss. And in the midst of this, last week there was a small grease fire in my kitchen and I burned my arms. Badly. It’s not pretty.
And this is the “good” arm. Loves, it was painful. It is painful. And yet, after the shock and the first aid, my thought was how it would look. And later in the week I again worried about outfits, about shoots, about the fact that right now, unless I fully commit to long sleeves (and even those failed Friday night) I can’t hide the fact that I have wounds on my arms. I’m sure we could chat about my need for perfection, if it’s good that I worry about how it looks, and if those conversations say something about career choices or society as a whole- maybe we’ll get to those later, but for now–wounds. I’m living with them.
And loves, it’s uncomfortable. No matter what our wounds are, having them in the open can be difficult. It’s painful, sometimes on many levels. It invites questions. It can leave you feeling vulnerable. But loves, the only way for wounds to heal are to have them heal, and often that means having them in the open. And while it can be a struggle to live with wounds, it’s brave. It means willing to be vulnerable, to live with questions, to be honest about where you are-pain and all. There’s bravery in that, there’s beauty in that. And while that’s hard for me, I’m learning to live in that space.
I can do nothing about the fact that I have these burns/scars on my arms for the time being. They will be in some photos, as much as I may not like that. But this is where I am. So I’m learning: that being honest about where you are is brave, that being vulnerable about questions and situations is freeing, and that flaws can be beautiful. I’m giving my wounds time to heal, because you can’t rush that, and I’m living there.
I just may have to wear amazing shoes to balance it out.
No matter where you are I’m wishing us all a beautiful week and amazing shoes! XO RA
There’s something you may have noticed recently- my hair is getting darker. A more accurate description would be that I’m growing my hair out naturally (though I have to be honest, this is the darkest it’s ever grown in). The choice to go natural was part necessity- as we all also know I had gone a bit TOO blonde (dying hair by yourself will do that!) and needed to get my hair healthy again. Also, Covid left me with scalp psoriasis (which I am getting under control, but it’s a whole other story) and with outbreaks of that, I haven’t wanted to put chemicals on my hair. And, after having colored my hair myself and before that having had to keep up with appointments, I was hoping my natural hair color would be something I could love.
Like most women, I have a complicated relationship with my hair (see here, and wrote about first going a bit darker blonde here), and more honestly this process-and my feelings about it- have been even more complicated. While I knew that my hair would be darker, I picture myself as a blonde, and somehow thought it would naturally be a bit lighter than it is. Growing up my hair would get light any time that I spent time in the sun, and I have to say there is a part of me that hopes that “invite me to your pool season” brings out some highlights. That being said, I find myself liking the darker side. I feel like it makes my eyes pop, and it is fun trying new makeup and clothing colors with it.
That being said, it’s jarring to think of myself as a brunette. (Weirdly I still don’t!) My agent said that to me this week and I had a moment where I was sure she was talking about someone else. And as it feels as if my hair color is still in transition- there is still color at the ends, the tone changes constantly- it feels as if I am in transition too. Plus, there is still a part of me that wonders if I should just go light again (the good thing about hair is that we can change it!). Or I worry that being dark haired will leave me with so much to change. While there are days when I LOVE what’s happening with my hair, there are days that I long to either just go darker or go lighter.
What most impresses me about how I’m reacting to my hair going to the darker side is that I’m being patient. Or trying to. I know that growing out hair color, and letting your natural hair color settle, takes time. It’s sometimes hard, but I’m really curious about what happens when my hair is all grown out (or I cut it) and the color settles (or the sun works magic, or whatever!). Also, as for medical reasons I’m supposed to hold off on coloring, patience may be my only option. So. We’re heading to the darker side. We’re figuring it out, adjusting our views, and embracing change.
Have you ever grown out your hair after coloring it for years? What was your experience? Does coloring your hair affect how you see yourself? I would love to hear all about it!
Wishing us all a week of loving our dark and our light sides and amazing shoes! XO RA
My area is recovering from an ice storm this weekend; this past week we were under freezing for over 48 hours, and there was ice everywhere. Trees, grass, roads, etc. We were super lucky- no damage (though I did spend a lot of Saturday cleaning up tree limbs that fell due to the weight of ice!), no loss of power, just a few days staying snuggly inside. Which was great in some ways! Though to my dismay, snow (or ice) days as an adult aren’t the free-for-alls that they are as kids. Not saying that I don’t love my job, but I wouldn’t say no to a few days completely work and responsibility free!
What a few days of a freeze did do is leave me with time to think (I really didn’t leave the house for about 4 days!). I spent a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am, for even basics like heat and running water. And I spent a lot of time thinking about what I want- from spring fashion to how I want my days to look. Also, I spent some time thinking about ice/snow days- not necessarily the ones I had, but the ones of fantasy, the ones that are full of fun, reading by the fire, hot chocolate, and a sense of freedom.
Again, I cannot tell you how much I love my job, but I can also tell you that I need downtime as well. We live in a world, a culture, that leads us to believe that we are only “good” or worthwhile if we’re busy and productive . A lesson that I keep learning is that do be productive, I need rest. That rest is productive. When we were freezing, everything shut down, I still felt as if I needed to stick to my do-to list. And to be fair, there were deadlines that I needed to meet. Yet, I cannot tell you how much I wanted to give into the “snow” days of my youth- just forget about everything and have a good time. I’ve been wondering how we balance all that we want and need to do, and our rest and celebrating a bit of freedom. How do you do it?
In recognition of how I felt about it freezing, I’m actively attempting to schedule myself at least one day a week without anything to do. Maybe I won’t be by a fire or sipping chocolate, but I can give myself a day off. And with that day off, perhaps get more done? Besides, when was the last time we left everything behind and just enjoyed the day? Wouldn’t that be so good for us?
Wishing us all a week of above freezing temps but rest- and of course, amazing shoes! XO RA
Tis the time of year for many, many things, like kindness and joy- and rituals. I’ve been thinking a lot about rituals lately (defined as usually religious series of acts repeated with meaning attached), because with all of the things that are a part of this time of year come the rituals, or traditions- from your religious ceremonies to how and when you decorate your tree or house.
I’ve written about some of my thoughts on holiday traditions here, here, here, here, here.
It’s not that my traditions are changing- I’m still wearing plaid, wishing for snow, and excited to eat my momma’s beef stroganoff this Christmas Eve- but I’ve been thinking more about the rituals behind these traditions and the meaning they bring to what we (always) do. I took a class a few years ago based upon the premise that all human relationships were built on ritual (a series of repeated action) and spontaneous actions – together they build foundation, fun, and family. When applied to our holiday traditions, I can’t help but appreciate the ritual- the things we do passed down from generation to generation, and the ways we adjust them (aka being spontaneous). If you google the importance of rituals, you’ll get a ton of results that explain everything from how rituals tie us to our past and move us forward, how rituals heal, and how rituals build us up.
When you think about it, the holiday season comes at the ending of a year and is the beginning of another. Rituals bring us joy, temper our sorrow, and move us from one place to the next. And because we can tweak our rituals (there are things that we still do the exact same way we did when I was 3, and things we’ve changed), I like think to think that our rituals are living. And of course they’re magic.
So. If we can admit that rituals matter and move us, how do we honor them? How do we take these rituals that ground us and yet allow them to move us forward? If you’re like me, there are rituals you don’t want to change- I love family Christmas PJs and watching Miracle on 34th Street, and all the goodies! On the other hand, I love how my family holidays have grown up with my sister and I (we don’t have kids). I long to hold on and I want to leave room for change. Maybe that’s the magic of the ritual. It lets you do both.
This year we aren’t making big changes. We’re doing what we have done, and honoring what our rituals have grown into. When I know think about rituals, I think about both the past and the future- and I’m excited about both. This season is a season of rituals and traditions, past and future. May we find comfort and ways to honor all. I would love to hear your thoughts about rituals, your family traditions and how you’re feeling going into the season.
Wishing us all a week of comfort and amazing shoes! XO RA
I did some more flashing back this week and came across one of the first Sunday Chronicles I wrote. It’s a subject I keep going back to: perfectionism, and how I deal with it. The story of my life, in other words. The reminder that some battles are constant both encouraged me and scares me. Spin class is one of the ways that I’ve always dealt with it–but right now I’m still mainly working out at home (which isn’t bad!), but it means I’m having to encourage myself. And that looks different. Weirdly, I’m saying all these things to myself. Not weirdly, they work!
Enjoy my first thoughts on the topic!
Wishing us all a week of onward and amazing shoes!
XO RA
Perfectionism and Mantras
I’m a perfectionist. Which means I hold myself to impossible standards, am hard on myself–and all those things you’ve heard–that perfectionists procrastinate, etc? Yes, those are true about me. In fact I’ve spent a vast majority of my life striving to be perfect–and not always being nice to myself in the process–and being even harder on myself when I was unable to be perfect. Sadly, I think that being perfect is something that doesn’t exist.
I still believe in perfect shoes and outfits–but that’s probably a different story.
Get to know me a little and you’ll find that I love to work out. And I love workouts, like Soul Cycle, where encouraging mantras are said and they uplift you–and you feel good. One of the favorite mantras–and one I’ve seen in several places this week so it’s on my mind–is “The Way You Do One Thing Is The Way You Do All Things”. Which is great when I’m in a dark spin class–because I can sprint and jump and climb and do it well. But what about the things that I do not do well? The things I flat out suck at? The list of my talents is long–but I fear it is out numbered by my flaws. I’m human (hard to accept)– and this means I’m messy and unfortunately for me, cannot do all things perfectly. So this phrase has never sat well with me.
However, a spin teacher I love (Angela Davis if you’re ever in LA) has begun to say, “You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be brave”. Now this I can get behind. If I have to accept that I cannot be perfect–I get brave. Brave means taking risks, and trying, and doing your best. Brave I can do.
Another saying I love is “You have to have compassion for yourself, you cannot be brave every time, so when you can’t be kind to yourself”. Which is another way of saying “You have to give 100% of what you have right now, which will be different than tomorrow and different than yesterday, and that’s ok”. Let’s be honest–life can be hard, and even if we’re trying to be brave, we don’t always get there. I need to hear that it’s ok for me to try my hardest–and that my hardest will be different each day. This I can do.
So I’m trying, I’m being brave. I ramble –and I know there is no fashion tie in. Although, we could say that you should try that outfit you’ve been thinking of, and if it doesn’t work–it’s ok.
My hope for us this week is that we can all be brave, and when we can’t be as brave that we can have compassion towards ourselves. Oh–and I wish for us amazing shoes!
If you’re VERY online, you know that there has been a lot of discourse about hauls (when someone buys anywhere from 10-50 pieces at a time, usually from a fast fashion retailer). And people have opinions. I have opinions. There has been advice from where to shop instead of fast fashion, to just stop hauls and shopping fast. But more important than all of that, I think the questions we should be asking ourselves is how can we find joy in really finding our style and taking our time building our wardrobes. Let’s chat about it!
And one of the dresses from my vintage “haul” (aka all of the lovely clothes that a neighbor gifted me when she and her daughter cleaned out their closets) I’m on the fence about. I love the color and the details- and it would need to be taken in (and there are so many options on how to do that!). So- what do you think? Keep or sell?
Wishing us all a week of intentional shopping and amazing shoes! XO RA
There is a myth, or ideal really, that most American women–especially those who love fashion adhere to; that being “French”, or effortless is something to aspire to being. That somehow to be able to throw on anything and have it look perfect,to have your hair fall perfectly everyday; that it is possible to not really try and that you will look perfect and things will work out. And here’s the thing–this is true sometimes. We all have days where our hair is somehow perfect, and no matter what we put on it looks great, our careers and relationships just seem to click and flow; and everything requires minimal effort. I do love effortless days–they make everything seem easy and doable.
On the other hand, the great Tom Ford has said “Dressing well is a form of good manners”. I’m not saying to dress well and being effortless are mutually exclusive–but as much as we strive for effortless, let’s be honest–we all experience the other side of the coin too. We all have days where we have to think about what we wear, try on many options–put effort into our clothes. We have days where we have to spend time on hair and make-up, maybe put in extra effort into our relationships and career because it is needed. Is this effort a bad thing? Hopefully it pays off– and let’s be honest , there are times when putting in the effort is fun, it feels good to try sometimes.
I often long for effortless. It’s a dream to have every outfit be a hit, hair that always falls into place, things that come without too much hard work. Yet, I find I often have to put in effort. I can try (too hard at times) and there are still outfits that didn’t work, bad hair days, and things that came with intense amounts of effort.
Are these the only two options–putting in effort or being effortless? Are there the types of people who have to try and those who don’t? I don’t have all the answers–I know, that bums me out too. I do think that all of us are both of these types though. I believe that we are all capable of effortless days–and all have days where effort is required. Here’s the big epiphany- I don’t think that one is better than the other. Days where everything from your t-shirt to hair to relationship and career just work are amazing and you should cherish them. Days where you have to think and try for your outfit, lipstick, conversations and meetings are also amazing and you should cherish them.
And some days are in the middle- a mix of effort and effortlessness and those might be the most special of all.
Maybe effort and effortless are two sides of the same coin; maybe we need one to appreciate the other. Maybe aspiring to effortless is something you should do; maybe trying, even trying too hard occasionally, is something you should do too. All I know is that both can feel good–and that both kinds of days can be good. So this is my wish for us all: great days this week–whether that means you have to put effort into your hair or not and of course, amazing shoes.
With everything that’s happening in the world, it’s difficult not to question what we’re doing here. And I don’t just mean here- in my tiny little corner of the internet- but in general. Here. This rings especially true for those of us who’s pursuits are more of the creative kind. As I think about the suffering and the potential for destruction that’s happening around the world, I can’t help but wonder- is fashion frivolous? Should we be putting our energy into something else?
I don’t make light of anything that’s happening. It’s heartbreaking and important and everyone in the Ukraine and in war’s path needs and deserves our support and care. Those heavy things deserve our attention and our care (even when doing so is hard). And yet- I can’t bring myself to tell you that fashion is frivolous, that it doesn’t matter.
Yes, maybe now is not the time to be shopping thoughtlessly; perhaps our outfits aren’t the foremost things in our minds. But. While there is not a magic outfit that could bring about world peace (how I wish there were), I still firmly believe that fashion is simply a means with which we tell our stories. And now, more than ever, our stories matter.
I think it’s easy (and a bit lazy) to call fashion frivolous. In some instances, fashion is a luxury, it can be a hobby, and fashion is easy to look down upon as it doesn’t offer any solutions to heavy problems. Yet. Fashion is a trade, a skill, an art. The men and women who make textiles and craft our garments are skilled workers who provide us with at the least a form of shelter and at most, storytelling material.
Even when things are hard and heavy, even perhaps when we aren’t always paying attention to what we’re wearing, our fashion tells our story- from uniforms to support to statements. And our stories matter. The story that we’re telling now may be heavy, but it may also be hopeful. Maybe it’s a story of support for people who are suffering, maybe what you wear lets someone know you’re an ally. Perhaps what you wear tells the story of survival, getting through the day, the story of revolution.
And maybe, by telling our stories we give others the permission to tell theirs.
There are a lot of stories out there right now. Stories that deserve our attention and our help and our reverence. Some of those stories are being today with fashion. So, how can we call fashion frivolous?
(I’m not even getting into how fashion can be a release, can make you feel good, can give you something to look forward to.Fashion can also be joyful, and even in hard ship joy is necessary and sacred. This is a mulit-layered topic, but I think it starts with the understanding that fashion is meaningful.)
I know right now we’re all aware of the world and its suffering, I am and I don’t want to make light of any of it. It’s not the time for carefree frolic of any kind. But, even though there is no magic peace outfit, maybe our fashion (and the support of those who make it) is a part of the solution and not some distraction? (Though if you need a distraction right now there is nothing wrong with that!)
I don’t concede that fashion is frivolous because fashion is a part of who we are, and we all matter.
Wishing us all a week of peace, hope, and amazing shoes. Slava Ukraini!
XO RA
