The Ex Files: Jumping to Conclusions

Investment Piece: #bootleg

And we’re back. That’s right it’s Ex Files, dating horror stories, my final attempt to live my life a la Carrie Bradshaw. (And let’s not pretend horror only lives in fiction. Some of my ex files: The Ghosting, Tinder on an Airplane, The One Who Wouldn’t Take No, and of course The One Who Asked for his Money Back. More can be found under “Ex Files” in the search bar).

However, I have to admit, this month telling you a dating horror story was a little bit difficult for me. Not because I don’t have stories, because I got STORIES. But. There comes a time when you’re mining your love life every month when you realize that there are times that the horror story is partially due to your actions. (CLEARLY this is a rare instance, but when it happens, aren’t we the better person? The one that can take responsibility and learn and grow?) So, on that note: here is Jumping to Conclusions.

Jumping to Conclusions
One of my most favorite sayings is “Never assume. It makes an ass out of you and me”. It’s also how I remember to spell the word (my spelling issues are for another blog). But the thing about assumptions? They are usually based in something–if nothing else, fear.

Evan and I had been dating-on and off, for over a year. Had he been an asshole? Yes. Should I have listened to my friends and the red flags and let him go? Yes. (Stories for another day) But, once again, I had let myself get sucked into Evan’s charm. (Really he was just moody, but he was a writer so it seemed romantic, and my first “real” relationship in LA so it all seemed so BIG). Good and bad news about me? I’m loyal–way too loyal at times. And truly believe that once you agree to try again with someone you really try.

So, Evan and I were trying again. Friends of mine had invited us to the Hollywood Bowl for a concert. And Evan and I had agreed to go. However, as the days leading up to our “group date” sped by, Evan disappeared. Not answering texts. Not answering the phone. Not a peep from the man.
And. I. Was. Pissed.

Starting over is amazing, and can work. But, the thing is, you’re not always able to let go of some things. And it can hurt doubly when someone knows how to hurt you and it feels like they are doing those behaviors on purpose. Disappearing and leaving me hanging when we had plans? It very much felt like Evan was hurting me on purpose. Also–it’s so embarrassing when a guy does this to you in front of your friends.
So, I handled the situation like any hurt 20-something year old would.
I called Evan and left him a scathing voicemail letting him know what an asshole he was, and how done I was.

Days went by.
As one does, I cooled down.

Then I heard from Evan.
Why had he gone radio silent? His lung had collapsed (after fighting a cold that turned out to be a very serious infection). Evan had been in the hospital and unable to contact anyone.
I felt so horrid for jumping to conclusions.
We made up.

And while this may have been a relationship that wasn’t for me, this experience did teach me not to jump to conclusions all the time–or at least, not leave them a voicemail about your assumptions.

I’d love to hear all your horror stories! Have you ever been the bad guy?

Wishing us all a week of no jumps and amazing shoes! Xo RA

Ex Files: The One who was VERY IMPORTANT

Investment Piece: The Ex-files

In my attempt to not only be Carrie Bradshaw, but entertain us all with the horror stories that can make up single life it’s Ex Files! Every month you get a look at some (real) bad dates that I have endured, and lived to tell the tale. Names and some facts have been changed to protect people, but I own the stories!

Need more horror in your life? Check out: The One Who Wanted His Money Back, The One Who Got Married, The One Who Wouldn’t Take No, The One Who Commented on my Weight. And if you aren’t scared stiff, the search tab has even more stories for your dating horror pleasure.

But this month I give you: The One who was VERY IMPORTANT

Some dates end up being horror stories because of the behavior after the date. Some dates are horror stories because of the behavior on the date. This story that combines both types of horrors. And while I maybe should have seen it coming, I was fooled into thinking it could be a great date. The issue? The way to my heart is my shoes. That can’t be a surprise. So when I met George at the supermarket and he complimented my shoes, I couldn’t see anything else. (And they were amazing shoes.)

After flirting and waiting for our juices together in line, I had learned that George was a doctor and a lover of the outdoors. We made plans to get brunch and go paddle boarding on Saturday. I was excited, I was slightly new to town, a fan of paddle boarding, and a man who sees my shoes always seems like a great idea.

Maybe I should wait to see if men can see more than my shoes?

The Saturday George and I were set to meet I prepared-my hair was cute, I was excited. He was over an hour late.
Mind you, he did call and let me know he was having car problems. At first, he thought he would only be 10 mins late. Then it was 30. Then he let me know that I should go ahead and eat without him, that we would meet up for paddle boarding. So I did.
George finally arrived, not prepared, and nonplussed that he was so very late. We headed over to his apartment (across the street) so he could change into his board shorts and we could get to the water.
While I understand car issues, and everyone is late now again, my biggest disappointment was that the charming man I’d met at the grocery store didn’t show up. This George was annoyed at every little thing, from my hair to the traffic, but as we chatted about the plan for the afternoon I discovered that George was most annoyed with my not making him the sole focus of my day.

When I had made plans with George, I thought I was clear that I was free all Saturday till about 3:30 or 4, as I was having dinner with my Grandma. George has orginally thought that was sweet. However, after being so late, George no longer thought the fact that I couldn’t devote my entire day to him was sweet. He was upset that he “wouldn’t have as much time on the water as he wanted”. And he was most upset as “he had a friend going out on a boat, there were going to be hot girls there, and he wanted us to join, but we wouldn’t be done in time”.

Yes, he legit complained that he was going to miss out on hot girls on a boat. And I let George know that if he really wanted to go on the boat that he should, there would be no hard feelings from me. He didn’t leave, but was very upset that he was missing out. I should have left then, but I didn’t.

We went paddle boarding and it wasn’t bad. I did get yelled at for not “being as good” as George was. And George did let me know more than once that he was upset that my bikini wasn’t skimpy, and that I had a time limit. But the date wasn’t the worst ever. I had no intention of a second date, but still.

George and I finished paddle boarding and I made it to dinner with Grandma on time. A few days after, I received a text from George inquiring about a second date. But, he had a caveat.

As it turns out, George let me know that he is VERY IMPORTANT and when he makes plans with someone, he expects them to respect his time and be free for the whole day. He let me know that if I couldn’t commit to that, we shouldn’t go out again.

We didn’t go out again.

Also, if you’re so important that you need people to clear their schedules for you, maybe that’s something you should pay for?

Wishing us all a week of being important and amazing shoes! And great dates!

Ex-Files: The One Who Commented on my Weight

Investment Piece: The Ex-files

Loves! It’s that time of month again: I dish out stories from the front lines of dating and you grab your popcorn! Need more check this one and this one out!

With no further ado I give you:

The One Who Commented on my Weight

There isn’t one among us who hasn’t put their foot in their mouth at some point; I know that I’m guilty of that sin. However, there are times when you put your foot in your mouth, and times when you choke on it.

I met Ben at an audition. (Yes, in the running for one of the most LA things I’ve ever written). He was charming, funny, and your average LA Actor type. We exchanged numbers and decided to meet for dinner the next week after work. Nice. Normal. Nothing to be over dramatic about.

Before our date there were the usual texts, just enough to give you hope for the evening of; the only issue with hope is that it can be dashed. Now, let’s be clear, the date wasn’t completely horrid (and to this day I don’t think he meant to be malicious). We went to an improv show and laughed. We went to dinner, and things got awkward.

Dinner with actor types is always a minefield, between shoots, cleanses, and general pickiness, you never know what food issues the person you’re with has. It can be a comedy of errors or a night of horrors. The general rule of thumb though is you handle it with grace and humor, and then you can go back to your friends and complain about them. So, I thought nothing of ordering my meal with double veggies instead of carbs (it’s just what I do). However, in retrospect the carbs would have been easier to deal with.

Without waiting for an opening, Ben decided to comment on my order. He also choose to let me know that I “should try working out to control my weight problem”. Yep, that’s the quote. I don’t believe that one’s weight, workout regime, or food order are anything to comment on (unless you want to go to spin class with a person or some of their fries). Now, years later I’m still not sure what the appropriate response to this comment is (was). Ask for tips? Mention that I have it under control? Admonish anyone for thinking that weight control is an appropriate place to start?

Ben, however, took my silence as eagerness for information. The next 45 mins were spent with Ben giving me all sorts of workouts I could do. He recommended running (so I could lean out), lifting (so my arms could look great), and playing basketball (because he enjoyed it). I may have been silent but I sat there giving Ben the death stare, sighing, and grabbing my knife tightly. Ben might be a funny actor, he wasn’t the best at picking up social cues.

After dinner, we went our seperate ways. I hear from Ben occasionally (one time he even complimented my legs). I don’t wish him ill, and (again) I truly don’t think that he was trying to be mean. However, the comment and the lecture on working out was a bit much for me (side note: my day job at the time was Spin Instructor, he knew that).

How would you have handled that?


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Ex Files: The One Who Asked for his Money Back

Investment Piece: Ex Files

Loves! It’s here! In my ultimate attempt to become Carrie Bradshaw, and satisfy my friends’ need to hear my awful dating stories (and sadly, there are a lot), we give you: Ex Files, dating horror stories. Yes, these stories really happened, yes, names/dates/places have been changed to protect those involved, and yes, if you wanted to be remembered well, behave better.

Enjoy! XO RA

The One Who Asked For His Money Back
I met Rick through friends, which is allegedly the best way to met people. On paper it made sense: I like sports, he was a sports writer, his bff was dating my bff; and if we could all just fall in love and live side by side, it would be the stuff that sitcoms dream of, in a word, perfect. Also, he was great with a witty text. (Side note: I may put too much stock in a witty text.) Nevertheless, when Rick asked me to dinner I said yes. I was even reasonably excited about the date, in the way that sarcastic women who secretly believe in fairy tales can be. A proper gentleman, Rick had called days before and we had made a plan: dinner and drinks on Thursday at 7, he was going to pick me up.

Thursday came. I was ready, early, just like my Mimi taught me. 7 came. 7:15 came. I got a text from Rick letting me know that he would be late–and I mean, we all know traffic is crazy, right? 7:30 came. As did 7:45 and another text-I should go ahead and eat, because Rick was super late. So me in my super amazing dress, and stunning shoes (like I have another kind) heated up a Trader Joes meal. Great date so far. 8. 8:30. Finally, 9 and Rick was waiting for me outside, and while the sarcastic gal in me wanted to rip into Rick (look, that kind of late is rude, period), I didn’t –I was betting on great drinks. And the drinks were great, we went to a martini bar, Rick apologized profusely, and I sat with my drink and prepared to learn more about this guy. Things, sadly, went downhill from there.

As it turns out, Rick had always wanted to play baseball as a kid. A normal goal, and maybe one that would have been in reach-you know, if he ever played. Yes, that’s right, Rick never played baseball. Not little league, not middle school, not high school, other than playing catch with his dad and friends, Rick had never picked up a bat. However, this didn’t stop him from trying out for his college team. (Takes guts, which I do applaud) To no one’s surprise, after years of not playing baseball, when Rick tried out for his college baseball team, he didn’t make it. Did that push him to train, try hard, and try again? Nope. Rick took it as a sign that his college coach was not a good coach, spent 4 years thinking about baseball, not playing, but decided to try out for the Minor Leagues. Spoiler alert: that didn’t end well either. I got to hear about this for hours, all while my acting skills were on full display, as I tried to pretend that this was normal date conversation. But don’t worry! Rick also insulted my sports teams, demanded to know if I thought he would be good at baseball, and let me know how trivial he thought my career was. The martinis were good, and I earned those suckers.

Thankfully, even the worse night comes to a close, and after what only felt like an eternity (but was closer to 2 hours), Rick took me home. Freedom was so close I could taste it. We turned on my street, Rick asked where he should park (you know, so he could come up). The fact that I didn’t sputter or have a heart attack is a testament to my ability to stay cool in a crisis. But to think–Rick thought the night went well, so well, Rick thought he would be invited up. I came up with some excuse about an early morning, gave an awkward hug, a punch on the arm (to really send home the message) and sprinted out of the car. (Maybe there’s a track team I can try out for?)

I thought I was safe. A week went by and Rick was silent. And if this story ended here, this would simply be another bad date, not that memorable. Loves, it went downhill. (Maybe there’s a making it worse team Rick could try out for?) Just when I thought Rick would be someone I could run into and be ok with, he sent me an email asking me out, and letting me know how much he was into me. I could ignore it. I could suffer through his adult disappointments. But I’m an adult, and while it’s not always comfortable, I believe in being adult with people. I let Rick know that I wasn’t available for the night in question, and while I enjoyed his company (Acting classes do pay for themselves, dad!) that I thought we would be better friends. Again, days of silence. I thought that was it. Until, the next week. Rick emailed me to let me know that “when makes an investment, he expects a return. He made an investment in my drinks, got nothing out of it, and would like to be repaid for the drinks I had”.

First–so many issues with that. Second, let’s be clear, I was out of Rick’s league and if I charged for my time by the hour the martinis could have cost $100 each, and he would still owe me money. Mind you, this was a good 10 years ago, and while it horrifies me that more stories are coming out like this (people, be better), and while I was sassy and confident then, I had no idea of how to respond to this request. WTF is wrong with you didn’t seem like the best option to someone I would most likely have to see again. So, I waited a few days, and then sent an email (crafted meticously with more than one friend) letting Rick know that I was sorry he was so disappointed, that I too was disappointed we didn’t hit it off (loves, I deserve mad points for not letting him know that his baseball story was crazy), and offering to buy rounds when our friend group went out again. I never heard from Rick again.

I dodged a bullet, but now again I wonder about Rick (turns out he found a woman who loved his stories and they have 3 girls–karma is really the best payback) and how many women he tortured.

Ex Files: Six Types of Boyfriends…

Investment Piece: Ex Files 6 types of boyfriends

It’s that time! It’s ex-files, my dating horror stories, where I share REAL bad date/relationship stories that have happened to me (and other people). See The BreakUp Text, The Eavesdropping, Tinder on an Airplane, and my go-to-story for years, The One Who Asked for His Money Back. There are (sadly) a ton more where that come from! Today I’m excited to share (with permission) Six Types of Boyfriends to Avoid Like the Plague by Kayt Molina. None of us are alone in this. So we might as well learn to laugh at it? Right!

Six Types of Boyfriends to Avoid like the Plague

My revolving door of exes is a running joke in my family. After high school, I didn’t visit home without a new boyfriend in tow. My family teased me but overall they were supportive and nice to Every-Boyfriend-They-Would-Meet-Once-And-Never-Again.
Though I’ve never been the “blinded by love” type, because of my serial dating, I’m now tuned into things that will be issues down the road. Call me a self-proclaimed expert in red flags due to my misadventures in romance.
Until this point, I’ve only been able to use this superpower for self-deprecating jokes, hilarious (but lurid) tales, and dating advice for my single friends. However, my well-honed douchebag radar will be better used if my mistakes help others from getting involved these stereotypical types of toxic boyfriends:

1. The Hulk

Until this point, I’ve only been able to use this superpower for self-deprecating jokes, hilarious (but lurid) tales, and dating advice for my single friends. However, my well-honed douchebag radar will be better used if my mistakes help others from getting involved these stereotypical types of toxic boyfriends:
1. The Hulk
Ronnie from Jersey Shore is my poster boy for the classic Hulk. Chaos follows him everywhere he goes and in every relationship. He refuses to see that he is the common denominator.
A picture frame went whizzing past my head and smashed on the wall behind me. The glass splintered, and a chunk hurtled through the air where it embedded in my foot. My red-faced boyfriend yelled, cursed, and slammed the door, leaving me alone while blood pooled around my foot. It’s hard to remember what he was mad about this time.
You know this guy. When you first meet, you’ll believe he has an energy about him — magnetism, perhaps. You might even say things like: “He’s so passionate.”
Reality check, though? He’s just angry.
His temper matches the Hulk and it doesn’t take much to set him off. He’ll punch walls or get in fights — for reasons big or small. And if a guy looks at you or even breathes in your direction? He’s outraged. While he may think he’s “protecting your honor,” you’ll soon discover the roller coaster of emotion is tiresome and annoying.
Guys like this think they’re a big man but underneath that anger is fear. Regardless of the reason, this kind of uncontrolled and misdirected anger is a ticking time bomb. Don’t get caught in the Hulk’s wake of destruction lest you become a victim too.

2. The Sloth
My next boyfriend and I had been together for six months and things were going great… for the most part. We got along and never fought. I was happy, and he treated me great.
So what was the problem then?
Six months together and still no job. No car. Not going to school. He doesn’t have a hobby, hasn’t read a book in years, and he answers questions about future plans with indifference.
There’s no drive, no ambition, and Mr. Sloth has stalled out in life. Sure he’s surviving, but he’s not growing. There’s no new thoughts, efforts to try new things, or anything besides steering the proverbial car in the same direction while coasting on fumes. This boyfriend isn’t interested in change because change requires effort.
While The Sloth is a mostly functional adult, sticking with this guy will suck the life out of you. The longer you stay the more he’ll take the wind out of your sails and keep you both floating aimlessly in the doldrums. Plus, when you ditch him, he’ll be so indifferent it was like you were never there to begin with.

3. The Leech
The next boyfriend was perfect — smart, funny, and good-looking. Of course, I’ve only known him a few days but we’re having fun getting to know one another. One day, however, he comes over to my apartment… and never leaves.
I went to work one day only to find The Leech sleeping in my bed when I got home! I barely knew the poor guy, but he hung around like a lost puppy for three days until I politely informed him to get out of my house.
Similar to The Sloth, The Leech’s identity is in flux. Your friends are now his friends. Your house is his house. He likes what you like: the same movies, music, and food. He’ll have whatever you’re having. Oh, there’s an opening at your job? Guess who your new co-worker is.
The Leech latches on for dear life and can grow controlling using his well rehearsed manipulation tactics. He doesn’t want you to go out with your girlfriends tonight. What are you wearing? When will you be back? He checks your phone and worries about whose Instagram story you’ve watched. Because The Leech doesn’t have much going on in his world, he tries to hijack yours. Thank u, next.

4. The Kid
I’ve fallen sucker to The Kid several times. I love to interpret blatant signs of immaturity as a sign I can swoop in, play teacher, and “fix” things. I even used to proclaim, “I love a good project.” Ew. This was both self-aware and incredibly stupid.
Note that The Kid doesn’t have to be younger than you. It’s a catch-all term for many things. He might be naïve, immature, inexperienced, or just plain dumb. He loves to tell stories about his “glory days” because he has no new stories to tell. The Kid is still content playing in a splash pad while you’re busy being an adult, but you still hope to bridge the gap.
This guy was my kryptonite. There’s this wonderful bright-eyed and bushy-tailed aura around them. They’re fun and energetic , whereas I’m not. They like to live fast and do exciting things — I like to stay home and read books. These relationships started fast, exploding like a firework, only to fizzle out just as quickly when I realized I didn’t want to be their mom or teacher. If you’re starting out a relationship, and they’re already two volumes behind, it’s time to close the book and move on.

5. The Narcissist
During college, one of my boyfriends professed his love for me. There was just one problem… he knew nothing about me. We’d gone out a few times, and to be fair, I knew a lot about him — only because he ever talked about himself! Our first date I wrote it off as nerves, but by the third date, it became a running joke to count the number of questions he asked me. I also tallied the number of times our conversation moved beyond anyone but him. I didn’t need two hands to keep count.
Everyone knows what a narcissist is but seeing one firsthand was simultaneously hilarious and sobering. One evening we sat next to a lake while he talked about how great he was. Throughout the one-sided conversation he stared lovingly at his reflection, not bothering to notice anything else for a solid 15 minutes. It was like watching the Roman myth of Narcissus play out in real life. I kept looking for a hidden camera certain this was all a prank. But it wasn’t, and I learned a valuable lesson: If you find yourself with this guy, just remember you’ll always come in second. And not for another woman, but to his ego.

6. The Pretend Friend
The “Friend Zone” sucks, which is why you should always be up front about your intentions. I made it clear from day one I wanted to remain friends and wasn’t interested romantically. He says he wants the same and I relax. After all, I love to be around him. We can talk and laugh about anything. But the truth always slips out and was right in front of me — he wants more.
Late one night, The Pretend Friend tries flirting and I grow uncomfortable, so I try letting him down easy. I’m worried because I don’t want to lose him as a friend, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Yet, I’ve also had to turn him down so many times already, I can feel my resolve wear. Maybe I should just give the relationship a whirl? He’s great, after all. Deep down, I wish we could remain friends but if I have to pretend to like him romantically so he’ll stay, well…
Whenever I have a vulnerable moment, he’s there to swoop in to take advantage of my exposed emotions. Whenever he’s feeling brave, he takes another crack to wear me down. On my end, it’s a genuine friendship, but on his? The Pretend Friend is biding his time for the relationship to materialize while using underhanded tactics. The friendship is nothing more than a stepping stone and I’m the prize.
This one hurt the most. I’m a hard shell to crack so when I let people in, I remain loyal. The Pretend Friend takes advantage of an authentic friendship hoping to push you into a relationship you don’t want. You’re happy being friends, but it’s not enough for them. They don’t respect you, your friendship, or your wishes because advancing their agenda is always the priority. Don’t become a tool in their arsenal for them to get what they want.

The Right Kind of Imperfect
My husband and I were best friends for several years before the relationship turned romantic. I love to joke I knew everything that would annoy me beforehand so there weren’t any surprises. While a joke that saying also held true. While no relationship is perfect (and every good relationship takes work), dating is the way of finding your right kind of imperfect.
We each have our own issues, so the key for me was to ask, “What can I live with?” I learned that if you go into a relationship expecting to change someone, you’ll always end up disappointed. The Lazy Guy never turned into a go-getter. I could never salvage the “friendship” with the Pretend Friend. A great question to ask is, “If nothing changed, would I still want to be in this relationship?”
The answer to these questions are different for everyone. We each have different non-negotiables. Boyfriend with stinky feet? Not great, but I can live with it. Yet, for someone else, this might be a total no-go. Family drama or baby mama baggage? Not ideal, but not worth throwing the towel in. Other people, however, may wish to steer clear. Gambling problem? That’s a deal breaker for me, but no doubt there are plenty of partners feeling lucky to roll the dice.
I’m also more than aware that making a list may sound calloused, but I’m mature enough to realize I probably made someone’s Do Not Date list. I could be a few ex-boyfriend’s “Nag” or “Crazy Bitch.” I’m sure I’ve been the villain in a few stories. Perhaps I’m even one guy’s “Thank God I Dodged That Bullet.” I wasn’t their kind of imperfect and was young and immature — and that’s okay. The failures and lessons learned made me into the person I am today.
The important thing to remember is that when you ignore toxic smoke signals in a relationship, you stand to get burned. Instead, I hope that we each learn where to see smoke — and those of us who know what it leads to — are brave enough to yell “Fire!”

-Kayt Molina
(Make sure to give her a follow over on HeartSupport

I’d love to know: who was your worst boyfriend?

Wishing us all a week of good boyfriends and amazing shoes! Xo RA

Ex-files: the break-up text

Investment Piece: Ex Files: The BreakUp Text

It’s ex-files, where we stop chatting fashion for just a minute and talk dating horror stories. An attempt to be like Carrie Bradshaw? Sure. But let’s be honest, dating horror stories are both horrifying and funny. Names may have been changed to protect identities, some details moved about. Hungry for more? Try: Tinder on an Airplane, Jumping to Conclusions, and The One Who Asked for his Money Back. There are quite a few more when you search “ex files” in the search tab!”

The Break Up Text

There is an infamous Sex and the City episode where Carrie is dumped by Burger via post-it-note. Which is horrifying. Have I ever been dumped via post-it? No. But I have been dumped via text message. And loves, I get that there may be times when a breakup text is warranted. Maybe it’s unsafe to do it in person. Maybe you’ve only been out once and it’s a quick “this isn’t a match for me” text. However, much out of those contexts, is a break up text ever ok?

Steve and I had been seeing each other reguarly for over a month. Long afternoon dates that stretched into evening, all day long text conversations, future plans had been made. In fact, the day of the breakup text, I saw Steve at a mutual friend’s lunch. We had just had a date two days before, it went great! We had plans for that very evening. So, I was a little taken back when Steve was a little cold when I saw him at the lunch with friends. Like, weirdly cold. But, not one to take everything super personally, I thought not TOO much of it, and continued to prepare for our date that evening.

Then I got it. A text letting me know that he no longer wanted to see me, that he wasn’t attending our planned event that evening, but that he wanted to be my friend.

As you can imagine, I was shocked, angry, and stunned by his timing. When called out for his poor timing (like really, you couldn’t make it through the night?!?) and his method (we had LITERALLY just been face to face), he got horrifically defensive and called me crazy.

(BTW one of the most amusing things to do is Google “Crazy Men Women Gaslighting” and let it tell you that your ex is a psycho path)

Needless to say, I don’t have a lot of respect for the breakup text. And I still think Steve was a coward for doing it. But???

I’d love to know your thoughts on the breakup text!

Wishing us all a week of non-awful texts and amazing shoes!! Xo RA

Ex Files: Valentine’s Day

Investment Piece: Ex Files: Valentine's

Loves, I hope that you get as much joy out of reading these dating horror stories as I do sharing them. Need more ex files and dating horror stories in your life? Check out here, here, and here. You can also search “ex files” on the left (or on top). Grab your snack of choice and settle in, these dating horror stories are something.

This month? I have some opinions on Valentine’s Day, you’ve heard them all month. (You can also check this out. Is it weird if I mention that it’s never too late to give someone a gift?). I shouldn’t have been surprised when I got comments and emails asking me if my feelings on Valentine’s Day had anything to do with a bad date.

And that would make sense. After all, I’m the queen of bad dates. (See above). So did I ever have a horrible Valentine’s Day date that soured my view on the holiday? Honestly, no. I have nothing against love or dates, and there’s not been a huge episode that made me: “Hate the Day”. Getting asked so often, I sat down and thought about it. This is my one Valentine’s Day dating horror story:

I was in 8th grade. So was he. For the life of me, I can’t remember his name. He was awkward and so was I -in that about to bud, middle school way. We were in many classes together, and neither of us were popular, but neither of us were on the bottom of the social ladder. There’s a chance he liked me, I was not at place of self awareness that I even considered that. And it was Valentine’s Day. We were too old for the “class party”, but many people gave out little Valentine’s, and of course the few “cool” kids who were “dating” gave each other presents. Me? I don’t think I thought about Valentine’s at all. This guy, we can call him Bob, and I had our last period of the day together (I think? I know it was art). Did I mention he was awkward? (And so was I). He spent the class alternating between staring at me and avoiding me. Then at the end of class shoved a very fancy chocolate box at me. It clearly meant something. I opened it and over half the chocolates were already eaten.

That’s it. That’s my big, bad “Bad Valentine’s Day” dating horror story. Loves, it’s so tame. But, it does make me laugh. And let’s be really impressed I remember it. (And let’s be more honest, isn’t it a nice repreieve from some of the horror stories you’ve heard?)

Need more horror? Try these Valentine’s Day stories from The NY Times, Cosmopolitan, and Seventeen.

Hope that you week is horror free and full of shoe love!

Ex Files: The Top 7 Worst Dates I’ve Ever Been On

Loves! I’m thrilled to introduce you to Shelia Smires of SheSmilesAllDay, a fashion blog that I’ve just fallen in love with! (Make sure you give her a follow! Her Instagram/Twitter/Pinstrest is @shesmilesblog)
How I knew that Shelia and I would get along? This article The Top 7 Worst Dates I’ve Ever Been On. Here, we do ex-files (some of my faves include The One Who Asked for his Money Back” and Tinder on an Airplane ); another woman with great style and dating horror stories seems like a soul mate to me! So below, printed with persimission, is Shelia’s list of dates that are maybe just a bit forgettable!
Happy reading!

The Top 7 Worst Dates I’ve Ever Been On
Investment Piece: Ex Files: She Smiles All Day

I would like to start out by saying that this post is not meant to deter you if you’re a woman out on the dating scene whose interested in online dating. I have been on a lot of dates and the fact that only eight of them come to mind as truly terrible makes for pretty good odds.

Often times I find that dates are usually just…okay. Not bad, but maybe just not that great. And occasionally they’re really wonderful. So don’t let me scare you and prevent you from putting yourself out there because typically the worst case scenario is that you have a mediocre date and you go home and order a pizza afterward. No big deal.

However, if you do have a bad date let these seven awful stories give you a sense of comfort because you are definitely not alone.

Sometimes they’re bad because you don’t have any chemistry, sometimes you just flat out think they’re an asshole and sometimes they’re just plain creepy dudes. Whatever the case may be, hopefully, the exit strategies I’m sharing below can help you if you ever have the misfortune of finding yourself in the middle of a terrible date.


I went on a date with a guy (let’s called him Jeff) who was new to the city, doing the techie transplant thing and who lived out by the beach in the Outer Richmond. We met up on a late, sunny afternoon at a coffee shop in his neighborhood. When I arrived he came bumbling out of the restroom and told me he decided he didn’t want coffee after all and that we should walk down to the beach.

The entire walk there he asked me zero questions about myself but told me several stories about pranking his college roommate and how he sometimes doesn’t leave his apartment for a week straight. Fantastic.

Once we were at the beach we sat down in the sand and without saying a word, he reached over and removed my sunglasses and put them on. I had known him for 10 minutes (literally). He then insisted that I take my jacket off so I’d be more comfortable and if you’re from San Francisco and have been to the cold af beach you understand how absurd that is.

After all of 5 minutes, he decided he didn’t actually want to hang out at the beach and that we should walk back. He asked me for restaurant recs and I told him there was a great Chinese restaurant (RIP Shanghai Dumpling King) in his neighborhood. He suggested we go to it so we started walking in that direction.

Then he suggested we take it to go and go back to his apartment, to which I replied with a hard no (you can’t just take soup dumplings to go, wtf) which prompted him to oddly start babbling about how he “forgot” he needed to move his roommate’s car.

He then stopped walking abruptly and pointed to a random car across the street and said “that’s his car. If I don’t move it he’s going to kill me. But we should get food another time for sure”. Then he scampered off across the street towards the car without another word, looked around and then ran off in the opposite direction and disappeared down an alleyway. Goodbye Jeff.


You want to know how I knew this guy was adopted? Because he told me. Over and over and over. Not only did he tell me all about how he was adopted but he also told me about how his biological parents were involved in a murder case.

He then went on to detail every crime anyone in his adopted and biological family had committed, many of which included rape, incest, and murder.


When I was ordering a Lyft at the end of the date he kept looking over my shoulder and asking me where I lived. Then he awkwardly kissed me on the forehead (I’m sorry, what?) and I jumped into my waiting Lyft and started googling his name to see if he had recently escaped from prison for making skin suits out of his tinder dates.


I was probably around 21 when I met up with this guy who was 29. In my opinion, not much of an age difference but I’ve always dated older guys. He, however, found our age difference to be extremely fascinating and it dominated the conversation.

We were going to see a movie which is a terrible first date idea but I was trying to be easy going. On our way up to the movies, we saw a group of high school kids clearly on their way to prom since they were all decked out in frilly dresses and tuxes. My date could not stop staring at them and then whispered: “you look like you could be one of them”. Um, thank you?

I can’t really remember many details of the movie we saw since I was desperately waiting for it to end but I do remember it had a young teenage girl in it with blonde hair, which prompted him to lean over 3 times and whisper “you look just like her” to me throughout the film. I was beginning to realize he may have been hoping I was secretly 15 and I got the eff out of there.

Oh, and at one point he also spent 15 minutes telling me how he was currently in a feud with his roommate because he “didn’t want to be an animal” with him. Exsqueeze me??? What does that even mean sir??


Alright, so this one is partially my fault.

I had pregamed a little too hard for our first date and therefore was pretty fuzzy on the details when it came to you know, what he looked like and his personality. I do remember having a nice time and probably one too many whiskey sours.

Flash forward to our second date a few days later and I am horrified to see that the guy I was picking up was not, in fact, as cute or as charming as the picture my drunk brain had painted.

Listen, I’m not trying to be an asshole but I’m just not attracted to guys who can’t dress themselves. Call me shallow but I’m just not into it. No thanks.

He was wearing pants that were about 3 times too big for him, a bizarre baggy windbreaker and the most heinous glasses I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. His hair was slicked back and greasy with gel and I realized that I had made a very big mistake.

Now before you start thinking I’m a total bitch let me be clear that I was also not impressed with his conversation skills. He told me back to back rave stories, a long drawn out tale about an “epic” camping trip and how he considered himself a sommelier because he use to work at Whole Foods (what?).

We went to Golden Gate Park which was not an ideal date setting for me at the time because I was currently dealing with a bad arthritis flare up in my foot and wasn’t really up to taking a long walk. He ignored this fact when I told him and suggested we walk around the entire park and became irritated when I need to sit on a bench for a break. Charming.

He then suggested we rent a paddle boat and go out on Stow Lake. I really did not like the idea of being stranded at sea with him but he insisted. He told me he thought I should paddle the entire time so his legs could get a break and he kept trying to kiss me, only succeeding once THANK GOD.

At this point I was so unattracted to him I considered diving into the smelly gooey lake just so I could escape him but before I could he pulled out his phone and said “let’s take a picture!”.

Ugh. I did not want to be associated with him or his hideous glasses in any way so I was not excited, as is made evident by the photo we took below. Look at my face. That is not the face of a happy woman.

After our date, I drove him home and he asked me to come inside, an offer I firmly declined. I texted him as soon as I got home to let him know (as nicely as possible) there would not be another date.


This date lasted a whopping 6 hours and was terrible from beginning to end. Alas, I was 18 and had no idea how to get out of terrible dates and so instead endured it until the last minute. In order to spare you the long, unfortunate details I will just list some highlights that I believe do speak for themselves.

-We started at a sandwich shop where he told me he forgot his wallet and asked if I could spot him.

-I was ready to leave after this but then he suggested we go to the movies so we hopped on the Muni to head downtown. He purchased a child’s ticket (he now all of a sudden had found his wallet) even though he was most certainly not a child.

-A BART cop stopped us at the Powell St. Station and asked to see our train passes and then issued him a $100 ticket for using a child’s pass. He screamed at her and then spent 20 minutes calling both his mother and his father asking them to pay for the ticket for him. Yikes.

-He all of a sudden had a sweet tooth and dragged me into an ice cream shop where he purchased a giant sundae that was clearly not meant for one person and then yelled at the cashier because he thought $7 was an outrageous price and after they had already made the gargantuan sundae decided he didn’t want it anymore.

-When we got to the theater there were two movies that were starting soon and he asked me which one I would like to see. After I told him my choice he said: “Okay cool, we’ll see the other one”.

-When we were paying for the tickets the cashier asked if we were paying together and he cackled and said: “I’m not paying for her!”.

-He talked throughout the entire movie and had the worst breath of all time.

-When we were leaving he told me how he was thinking about auditioning for The Voice and then began performing a Bruno Mars song, loudly and VERY badly, in the street. I walked ten feet ahead of him.

-He asked me if I could look up the bus times on my phone and then asked me to wait with him. I finally stopped being a pushover and said “that’s going to be a no for me” and raced down the steps to the BART station and got the hell out of there.


This date lasted an entire 40 minutes and honestly, that was 40 minutes too long.

I met up with this guy who had my ex-boyfriend’s name, which honestly should have been a red flag from the start. He was new to the city, having just moved here for work from New Jersey (another red flag. Kidding! Kind off…). He also had this absurd Johnny Bravo-ish hair that I could not stop staring at. How did he get it so high up? How long did that take him?

He was immediately very cold and unfriendly. I asked him about his job and New Jersey and how he was liking the city. He went on and on about the company he was working for, told me some very dull stories about his hometown and said that he hadn’t really gone outside of the 4 block radius of his apartment since he got to San Francisco. Basically, he was a real thrill.

When we got to the bar he “shhhed” me when I asked him what kind of food he liked and said “can you wait until we sit down away from everyone?” as if I had actually asked him how much money he made and if I could have some.

He clearly was not into me, which was made evident by the way he didn’t ask me a single question about myself and often times stared off out the window with a dead look in his eyes. I tried making conversation but he basically answered everything with a yes or a no. Awesome. So fun.

I guzzled my drink so I could leave and he said he would close out, so clearly he was ready to go as well. When he came back he pointed to my top (an amber colored sweater) and said “oh hey, your shirt matches your drink glass” (I had ordered a Moscow Mule) and I said “Yeah, I planned it that way” jokingly and he just stared at me with his mouth agape looking horrified for a reason that was not clear. “I was joking…” I told him. OBVIOUSLY. Did he think I spent hours coordinating my outfits to the future vessels that would contain my next alcoholic beverage? Did he think I could see the future? Honestly, that would have been very useful as I could have skipped this date entirely.

Then I started to go outside and I told him my lyft was almost here which apparently surprised him because he said: “you already called one?” YES. OF COURSE.

Finally, once we were outside I began putting my jacket on and I looked back at him and saw him doing that bizarre staring thing again, this time just looking off blankly into the street. I asked “Are you good?” and he glared at me and snapped “Yes, I was waiting for you to put on your jacket, god”. Okaaaaaay.

I saw my lyft was approaching so I said goodbye and started walking towards the street corner, which happened to be in the same direction he was walking in and he laughed and said “Um…you don’t need to walk me home” LOLOLOL. Okay. Right.

Then I laughed (too hard) and got into the lyft waiting for me at the corner and turned back and said: “I would never”.


I’ve saved the grossest for last. You’re welcome.

I met this guy at a brewery downtown and he was nice enough. At first. He told me about how he was in dentistry school and how he was new to the city. He was friendly and made good conversation so, so far so good. This was the first fifteen minutes.

Once we got our beers we sat down and continued chatting. He had asked me about my name and I was telling him how it’s my grandma’s name when he all of a sudden completely interrupts me and says “I really want to kiss you right now”. I was so taken aback because while this could have been a romantic line if I had say, known him for more than a handful of minutes, it was the most absurd timing. A few minutes into our first date, while I’m talking about my grandmother. Ew. It was all downhill from there.

I made a joke about how I had literally just met him moments before and that he should cool his jets and he said “I just can’t stop staring at your mouth”. Ew. Ew ew ew. Nope. No thanks.

After our beers he suggested we move onto another bar and I really didn’t want to but at that point, I had only been there for 30 minutes and I felt like I shouldn’t be a total asshole and bounce.

So we walked a few blocks to Local Edition, a speakeasy-style bar downtown, and we get another beer. The entire walk there he was trying to hold my hand and put his arm around me. I told him that I was not down with that and he said: “I guess you’re just not a very affectionate person”. Um, I do not know you, sir.

Once we got to the bar we grabbed another round of beers and he continued to be creepy af. He kept trying to massage my neck and kiss my cheek. I told him repeatedly that I did not know him like that and that I didn’t want him to touch me. He laughed it off as if I was being flirtatious. No, bitch. I think you’re gross. Go home.

Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I told him I was taking off. He seemed so genuinely puzzled by why I would leave so soon and STILL tried to kiss me goodbye, a move that I dodged with such agility that my lyft driver who saw the entire exchanged applauded when I got into the car.

So the date was gross but it gets worse you guys.

The next day he texted me saying he had the best time (what?!) and that we should grab coffee soon. I typically try not to ghost dudes because I obviously don’t love it when it happens to me, so I usually will just text someone and let them know if I don’t see us going on a second date. But this guy was foul and deserved a proper ghosting so I ignored his text and all of the other ones he sent me that week.

Until that is, he sent me a novel about how much of a bitch I was and how I had just used him to get free drinks. He’s referring to my two extravagant beers by the way. He then started blowing up my phone with links to events in the city that had free drinks and food. How sweet!

…that last sentence was meant to be sarcastic but also, it was kind of useful info. Just saying!

So I replied and told him his behavior had been wildly inappropriate and that I had no idea he was so strapped for cash and that I could venmo him the $10 for my beers asap. Then I blew up his phone with 20+ links to debt relief websites. And that, thankfully, was the last time I heard from the creepy dentist.

I hope my bad date stories have given you a laugh and a little comfort in knowing that girl, you are not alone. Tell me your dating horror stories in the comments below!

Xo, She

I’m so grateful to Sheila for sharing her stories. The good news? It’s CLEARLY not us. It’s them.

Wishing us all a week of good dates and amazing shoes! Xo RA

Ex Files: The Haunting

Investment Piece: Ex Files: The Haunting

We’re back!! That’s right it’s Ex Files, dating horror stories, my final attempt to live my life a la Carrie Bradshaw. (And let’s not pretend horror only lives in fiction. Some of my ex files: The Ghosting, Tinder on an Airplane, The One Who Wouldn’t Take No, and of course The One Who Asked for his Money Back. More can be found under “Ex Files” in the search bar). And because it’s almost Halloween, and nothing’s scarier than dating gone wrong, we’re chatting about Haunting!

We all have an ex that won’t die. There’s a reason they call it “I miss you season”; every once in a while, an ex who’s been gone makes their reappearance. Then trick can be deciding if you should give them a second chance or not! Here are just a few of my stories of exes that came back to Haunt me!

What’s up, love?
Mario went on 2 dates over a few weeks. It was clear from the beginning that neither of us were really looking for anything serious. He was lovely–but there was no click. So when things fizzled out, I thought nothing of it. However, like clockwork, every 2 months I get a text. Everything from “what’s up, love?” to “I miss you”. At first, I thought these were a little sweet. But, as this trend has continued, it’s become annoying. We didn’t really have anything. And no matter what he’s coming back for, it’s not here.

The One I Haven’t Met
There’s always that group text you can’t really get out of’ mine involves people from college. And in the group, I don’t know everyone–but everyone is friend’s of someone I do, so I thought nothing of Dave began occasionally texting me outside of the group, it was mainly about our college team, and it was fun. However, over time, it was clear that he thought there was a connection above football. I gently let him know that I was seeing someone, and wasn’t interested. Dave was lovely and we went back to being “group text” friends. Yet, at least once a month I get sent a random meme/thought/suggestion we get together.

U Up?
Raise your hand if you’ve been haunted by an ex. We all have. From the “I miss you” text to the un-orginal “U Up?”, there’s always a feeling when someone is about to reappear. (Apparently the kids now call it “Zombie-ing”) These pop-ups can be pleasant, or down right scary (depending on the ex). I have a friend who has a theory, they all come back. And most of the time, she’s right.

So, I would love to know : who’s an ex that’s haunted you?

Wishing us all a haunting free week and amazing shoes! XO RA

The Ex-Files: Self Care

Investment Piece, fashion, blogger, Sunday Chronicles, Love of Your Life, Vaelntine's Day, Ca, TX

It’s Ex-Files, where I share horror stories from the front lines of dating! This series has been part of my way of coping with dates and relationships that were less than ideal, because if we can’t laugh at ridiculous men, what are we doing here? Some of my favorite stories that I’ve shared with you are Tinder on an Airplane, The One Who Asked for his Money Back, and Ghosting. I had a great story this month, about a guy who took me to dinner to let me know non-stop how much he hated his mother. But then. This week happened.

I know many of us have been triggered by the events and testimony this week. No matter what your policital views, as a woman (or a man), there’s no way that your life hasn’t been touched by sexual assault, even if it’s not openly talked about. Like many of you I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m hurt. And the last thing I wanted to do was dive into a story about dating, even if it was for humor purposes.

There’s something to be said after a week like this one, much like after a bad break up, that a little self care is needed. Not the romanticized and cliche self care, but the real, you may be hurting and need some time to heal self care. Which leaves us with the question, what does self care look like on a week like this?

I vary from needing to be with people to needing to be alone, from needing activity to needing rest, and I think any combination of these types of self care are valid. Actually, any kind of self care you need (as long as it’s not self harm) is valid. Below is a small list of things I like to do for myself in the name of self care:
Take the afternoon off and see a matinee
Stay in with a book
Dinner/drinks with a friend
Spending the day in bed reading trashy magazines
Cleaning out my closet
Shopping or planning outfits
A spa day either at home or at an actual spa
Planning and cooking a great meal
Ordering in
A hard workout
A long walk
Spending time with family
Spending time alone
A bubble bath with wine
A massage
Working hard on forgiving others, myself, and walking with kindness and compassion.

I don’t think there’s a way to do self care wrong. It comes down to what we need, and how we can give it to ourselves. I hope that this week, as long and as hard as it was had moments of laughter and care. I hope you know you’re loved and supported.

If you need it, the Sexual Abuse Hotline is 1-800-656-4673. Also, if you need it, you can register to vote here.

I’d love to know what your favorite form of self care is. If you need a listening ear, this community is here for you. I’d love for us all to remember we’re in this together.

Wishing us a week of light and amazing shoes! Xo RA

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